can't help falling in love...

Can’t resist your leaning over so gently
When you try to explain things of importance to me
While standing just behind me
When I can feel nothing but your heart beating
Your shoulder right behind mine, touching mine
Your lips next to my ears, whispering into them
Your chin almost touching my cheeks
That invigorating scent of your issey miyaki
The freshness of your breathe

Suddenly I realize what you were telling me
My senses don’t work when you stand so close to me
I can’t resist looking at you
I try to avoid that but it doesn’t work that way, it seems
While I am trying to concentrate on what you were telling me
I start noticing everything but what you were telling me
My attention gets diverted yet again
Can’t avoid those sweeping glances
From the corner of my eyes
Which are followed by the perfect nods
It seems that I miss them all
Because I can’t help falling in love

Where do you want to be?

you are naive and innocent
like i once used to be,

you are patient and reasonable
like i should have been,

you are young and free
like i need to be

Now you are frozen
you are hard
you are lost
you are gone
and you will die

But thats not how i want to be.....!

A Life Cycle!

Food! During our growth years, in our school days, we are often averse to consuming the food we have been given! We absolutely hate eating and avoid it for as many times as we can. And we usually find one of the most ridiculous of reasons for not eating what we have been given.

The sight of food often triggers a stomach ache or an upset stomach or even a feeling of nausea. And while we are down with temperature, we all know the pampering we get: we are allowed to eat all the things we absolutely love! And the best way to attract fever, or so we had heard in childhood, are onions, and you know where to place them! It doesn’t work! And all you are left with is a disgusting odour of stale onions! Of course, i couldn’t stand the smell and went in for a shower, post the incident! Thankfully, didn’t get caught! A mischief story that was untold till today!

I was a good kid when I was small! Or so my parents would tell you. But like any other child, I too had favourite food items and the not so favourite ones. And obviously, the favourite ones are the ones we don’t/can’t get at home. So obviously, a mere karela/bitter gourd was the most hateful vegetable for me as a kid (Still is!). Spinach was another hateful one. But apart from this I used to love any other vegetable or fruits, fruits being a favourite, even now. Though my current state of health may not be able to confirm that, but nevetheless!

Anyhow, we grow a little older, and come into college! My college was the time that my psychological health grew, and according to my parents, my physical health too! New hostel, new junk food categories and new nuns/sisters from the missionary were just a few new entrants into my life. What also entered my life was a new freedom, away from home, a search for my individual identity, new leaning experiences, a new way of looking at my own life, away from the family dominance. Worked well for me, but not so much for my family because if you go by their word, I got spoilt. But as any teenager would react to that, I strongly disagree!

An increased love for food was a big part of this segment of my life. Food turned into “junk food”. So, coffee with anda-pav, wada pav, omelette roti, anda bhurji became the highlight, along with double fried egg! Vegetables took a back seat, but fruits were still the life saving item from all the junk I was having back then.

This trend continued, with the addition of more coffee, alcohol (Of course), sandwiches and quiches, a definite dessert (better quality, more fattening), after every meal (a childhood habit).

For the other life segments that are still inexperienced, observation has helped me a lot! I see mothers/expecting mothers who have been banned from consuming outside food. A sudden brake from all the junk! How do temperamental and moody women do that? I bet their temperament and mood swings increase, multifold! I pity the husbands, but only for this segment of a woman’s life!

Anyways, this segment of life, with a settled family and children, sees an increased consumption of home made food as
well as the junk. Cravings, is what we have termed it, and we follow it very religiously.

Our life expectancy and survival chances depend highly on how much we have abused our own bodies in the previous quarters and based on that, we get into the next segment, i.e. if at all we do.The last phase forces us to rely on as much medication as possible because our digestive system has given up on us. a realization dawns on us now, if not earlier, that we messed up our bodies so much in the last two quarters, that we are now forced to go back to square one: Only home made food, with less spices, boiled if possible, and a lot if medication, after every meal. We’ve come back an entire circle!

Life, in general, comes back an entire circle. We’ve always been told, “What you give, is what we get!” or even the most scientific of explanations says “Every action has an Equal and opposite reaction!” Some call it “Karma’ and some call it ‘”Destiny”. Either way, all these philosophies, point quite correctly. We need a doze of our own medicine sometimes.

Innumerable lessons later, I am coming to terms with life. Patience, Acceptance, Forgiveness, Love – These are easy to
practice but we usually miss them or sideline them. The result, all these attributes sideline us. They are quite simple to follow, only if you have the realizeation and the willingness to follow.

Life teaches us lessons, one at a time. Every person comes into our lives for a reason, to teach us something we dont know we had to learn.

So appreciate, be patient, accept, forgive and love, just a little more, and see how life rewards you back withall of these and much more!

Have a happy weekend!!!

Life’s Lessons

For more posts from my official blog, please goto www.vikrambawa.org

Kunwar Vikram Singh Bawa!

“Can we call it ‘K’?” The next obvious look on my face came with an obvious curiosity, “Does ‘K’ have any significant meaning in your life?” Like I said earlier, it was an obvious question. Initially, his reply was, “Nah… Just……!” But after repeating my question, thrice, he finally blurts it out, “My name actually is Kunwar Vikram Bawa. By lineage, my great-grandfather was a big zamindar in his days. So I am a Kunwar, you know, the Prince, before partition and all. And when I was born, my name originally was Kunwar Bawa, based on our holy book, Guru Granth Sahib, and then came Vikram Singh Bawa, and then the ‘Singh’ dropped off from there, and it became the popular version that it is today, Vikram Bawa. So I have been toying with the idea of using ‘K’.”

This wasn’t the end though. For those of you who don’t know this, when our boss walks into his office, he bows his head in front of the small mandir, does one parikrama with the ghanti in his hands, and then suddenly turns into a workaholic, with an incessant need for chai and food. That reminds me of Brad Pitt from the movie Ocean’s Eleven.

And then another conversation kicked off, definitely not about the marketing plan, but about names, numerology, astrology, followed by a long discussion on “What’s in a name?” (Vikram will elaborate on this later).

Vikram Bawa is a conversationalist, and loves to talk and debate about anything and everything. Like we have ‘connect the dots’, Vikram Bawa has ‘connecting thoughts’. With another thoughtful smile, yet another profound conversation starts, about God, spirituality, and the things he likes to do apart from holding the camera. And if you haven’t guessed it yet, his second love is driving. It is his second love because it took him 30 thoughtful seconds to answer this one. His wish list includes being an F1 driver, the oldest maybe.

Vikram Bawa on the driving seat reminds me of the popular song by Billy Joel, “Downeaster Alexa”. Well, minus the wife and children part, nonetheless. And if you have been in his car, with him on the driver’s seat, you know his speedometer never shows anything lower than 140! That’s Vikram Bawa, the Speedoholic!!

A meeting is how the conversation started, discussing the marketing plans, strategies and action items… Oh! We were actually discussing Twisted Heads, a quarterly coffee table book by Vikram Bawa!!!



So now you know how our conversations in office are: one thought, and another one, and then, yet another one, exactly like this blog post.

Think I’ve forgotten what we were discussing, and what I’m supposed to be writing about…

The Left and Right Side of the Brain

Life hasn’t set the best of example for a lot of people. A lot of them are content with what they have been given. Maybe, they’re happy with what they have been given. But there are those, who never get what they want. Or at least, they are not happy with what they have. So we either question, life, what we deserve, what we’ve got and why we cannot have our way with things we want. Not necessarily in that order though!

A certain kind of people cannot express what they are feeling and choose to stay quiet. Usually, these kinds of people belong to the male gender. Not a rule, and there are a few odd balls here and there, but majorly. The odd balls are those who find themselves in an creative/arts field, like photography, writing, self confessed author/poets etc: it because they can express well. But majorly, non-creatively inclined, techie/IT guys, bankers, government servants, PhDs, medical: these are some of the profession you will find these inexpressive, solitary men.

The former type live their life a little more easily because, they live at their own, slow and smooth pace. There is nothing to hurry-worry about. They are also quite content with their lives, maybe not the money part. Their attitude is more of like ‘zaalim zindagi’ where they blame life for a lot of things. Anything that doesn’t work for them is happening because of life itself. Let’s call them, ‘Zalim Zindagi ke Besahara Rahi’ (ZZKBR).

Their life typically starts with being fond of books while in school/college, and the art-y type who like Literature and History, and therefore go on o picking up these subjects for their bachelor’s degree. Well, most of them, but there are digressions everywhere, right? College usually sees them as the editor of their magazines, theatre, a lot of melodramatic plays, always involved in the creative teams during college festival. Basically anything that requires a highly creative bent of mind. So, you will usually find them in PA, LA & FA departments (Performing Arts, Literary Arts, & Fine Arts), broadly though. Following the professor’s guidance & peer advice, they head straight for either a Master’s program in some Mascom college in the country or abroad or find themselves a copywriter’s job at some Ad agency, for, you know, some work experience, more like testing waters, if they fit in their chosen field of interest. Depending on how well they do in this profession for about a year or so, they will ultimately decide whether this is their ‘calling’ or should they adopt some ‘exit strategy’, as we call it in our MBA world.

If it turns out that it is their ‘calling’,they switch companies, and every time, it’s a bigger one, and then starts the habits of chain smoker and a weekday-late night-drunkard-syndrome, if they’ve avoided this exposure during college already. Those who adopted the ‘exit strategy’ now head straight for an MBA because they really don’t know what to do with their lives. And of course, you are too old now to be lazing around in the house getting regular constant pocket money from your parents. Some kind of Ego kicks in now. So you are too ashamed to ask for a little money because you have already come of age and hearing how useless you are is the last thing that you want while at home. Honestly, I don’t blame these guys. It’s the Indian society and the mentality that creeps in. Somehow, fathers (if they are the sole earning members of the house), will be the ones to throw such statements and such mentality at you. Even they can’t be blamed. It’s been happening for centuries. The trend hasn’t changed much except, now even girls seem to be hearing the same rant again and again these days. Whom do you blame?

Anyway, coming back to the latter type, the serious one’s who think they know where they are heading in their lives. They are the one who lack the power to express themselves. They’ve either seen a lack of funds at home since childhood or they’ve understood that most of the things that make you happy are bought f money. There are also those ones who understand and take up responsibility early on. Respect for them. But responsibility doesn’t mean you lose the child in you. The moment you lose that little child, you forget how to feel things, or rather, how things feel so different. These people go on and become the big guys with big bank balances but have a dearth of emotions. Hate to express/explain themselves to anyone and if someone else is talking to them, the only part that penetrates their brains is when you were talking about investments, business, work. Rest everything else, forms a part of selective listening that does enter one ear but also manages to exit the other one without even registering in the brain. It’s like an auto-tune process, which does not require a conscious decision making mode. Somewhat similar to the accident-reaction example we’ve heard a zillion times. These people belong to the profession of doctors, engineers, bankers, any technical field guy who are not creatively inclined.

For these people, words like practical, realistic, honestly, logic etc matter a lot. These people don’t blame ‘zindagi’. They are the opportunists who are in a race to take advantage of any opportunity that comes their way. And if the opportunity doesn’t come to them, they create one for themselves. They’re highly egoistic, self-centred, self-importance, crisp sense of style, always the better dressed of the lot. Unlike our art-y ones who choose a shabby style, and an ‘i don’t care’ attitude which reflects from their clothes and habits. They are happily sad in their existence, with their pessimist selves, and love to drown themselves in the world of doom and gloom. And they write amazing poetry that will flatter anybody! After all, great stories are so great because they end in tragedies. It’s a human emotion that they love targeting through their words of wisdom, but if they can’t, simply, copy-paste it! Either way, you would never know which part is copy-pasted!

Our dear striped friends are the ones who firmly believe in ‘Forecasting-planning-organizing-implementing’ and almost always, in that strict order. More often than not, they succeed but every time, this process falters, it unnerves them tremendously. ‘It has to be this way only’ is their constant enemy. I’d like to call them ‘Striped Zindagi ke Naukar’ (SZKN).

Despite me saying/writing all this, I have to mention ‘No offence to anyone’ and also, ‘Please don’t take it personally.’The most intellectual part is that nowadays, women too have joined these bandwagons. And let me tell you, I am not even going there! Will save that for some other mood-swing day when I feel like self-pity!

So coming back to the male fraternity! Irrespective of the kind of person you are, the child has to be kept alive. Fortunately, women still have certain quotient of emotionality in them. Hormones! We are quick to revert and tell you, ‘it’s the hormones’. Unfortunately men can’t or at least they choose not to! But both genders play the blame game almost equally, trying to take advantage of the situation. Just like children, male or female.

Children have certain energies in them that make them so desirable and adorable. They almost immediately understand how you are feeling. If you are angry, they know, if you are happy, they can feel it, and if you are crying, they know you are sad about something. They almost instinctively, either hold your hand or straightaway give you a hug and tell you ‘What happened? Dont cry! It’s going to be fine!’ Their senses are very strong and no one around them can escape it!

They need certain things which come very naturally and almost immediately to them when they are born, like attention, love, affection, understanding for their language, explaining how they feel, appreciation for whatever they’ve done. And there are certain things that they are taught, like respect, habits (brushing, walking, writing, reading) admiration, honesty, promises, obedience, punctuality, values etc.

But somehow, on that journey that all of us embark on, the innocence, the honesty, the humility, the excitement, that rush of blood; suddenly we lose that child on the way to growing up and become some random stubborn, self-centric, egoistic, nerdy inhuman who doesn’t want to feel someone else’s miseries, doesn’t want to experience new and dangerous things. We weren’t born this way. We made our lives turn into some unforgiving bitch who takes any negativity as an offence rather than trying to understand how or why we’ve turned into some unscrupulous morons that we have no respect and feelings for others. Rather than taking someone’s emotions a little more personally, we shake it off! And rather than being that child who was never afraid to make mistakes, we have now turned ourselves into some meticulously manipulative rhinos that have developed too thick a skin to be bothered!

Ever occurred to you why you cannot even wonder at things anymore. Let me say it, once and for all. You killed that child who wanted to live! The term is Foeticide! Believe it or not!

You can go back and instigate some part of your brain: left or right and blame it on the emotional side or the logical one for what you have turned yourself into. Isn’t that exactly what we are best at: blaming something or someone else for all our actions? Thankfully, the heart doesn’t get divided like the brain: left and right hemispheres! The logical side and the emotional side. Thank God for that! Else, even Zen Buddhism couldn't have saved us!

This endless wait...

International Airports and the Wait outside!
Am here to pick up my nephew... Something familiar that I just noticed and realised... Just watching this girl wait... She's come alone so I can guess it’s her bf she's eagerly waiting for... Texting... Looking ahead... And then waiting again... I don’t know who she is... But it’s something familiar... That I’ve always felt... Anxiousness. Excitement. Constantly getting up and walking around impulsively. Restless. Watching everyone else walk out that exit. The butterflies in the stomach. The brain getting a doze of some really toxic (passion) hormones. The thumping heart!
She's sitting and shaking her feet, almost losing that patience... Reading her text message and smiling to herself... And then looking up yet again, wondering why he's not out yet... There are a lot of smokin HOT men walking out of that door! Yet, her eyes are still looking out for someone else... A more pleasant face from amongst the crowd is what she's waiting to see...except that she can’t wait anymore... I don’t know where she gets the patience... I don’t know where I get the patience... It’s always just right there but we lose it mostly and it’s very rare that we seem to realise its presence within our complicated selves...
Back to my lady-in-love! She's still waiting for the guy... Now even I m getting anxious for her... ‘Mr. Lover, please come out quick now’, I said it in my head...
There is an old couple sitting next to her... Also waiting for someone. They are talking to her out of sheer boredom and tiredness... She's giggling with them... They are all still discussing the heat, the tiredness, the anticipation. It’s a long wait... For them... For her... And for me...
Just when we start to wonder again... Out comes the Mr. Lover.... The look in her eyes... it’s the love... The radiant smile on her face that makes her look more beautiful than she already is... A tight long hug... A beautiful and gentle kiss on her lips... Still hugging... And kissed again looking deep into her eyes... As if telling her how much he loves her... Every part of them is telling each other how much they've missed each other and how they've longed to be together again... Except that they haven’t said a word... They've said all this and much more through their bodies the way it still stays entangled together in that tight embrace... With arms around each other!
It’s a feeling of deep content to see them together. It’s a joy to see these lovers meet after travelling oceans apart at the International Airports. Wondering when my day would come! And I know I will feel all that my lady felt today and much more... Multiplied manifold... And the day would come soon when I get to see my lover too... For now, I m just waiting.... :-)

Between the sheets...

As you walked away

My heart stumbled yet again

All i wanted was wings to fly with you, all the way

As you turned around

My heart burned with fire again

All i wanted was some water to wash it, from your crabby found

As you waved goodbye

My heart tore yet again

All i wanted was some balm from your eyes, to heal it again

As you whispered away

My heart guessed 'i love you' you said

All i wanted was some more of you, to stay sane for a while again

When i came back,

To look up on the empty space

All i saw was rippled sheets that you left behind for me

As i look back now, still trying to feel your presence around me

And all i can see is your face, turned towards me

And your eyes trying to look deep into mine

Kissed me on my forehead, and wrapped me tight in your strong, impenetrable, and unassailable arms

And all i can feel now, is the way you unwrapped me slightly, to look at me,

While you lift my face, very gently with your hands,

And you telling me, ‘I’ll be back very soon, baby!’

Stories to tell: Part 1

ME, a very long time back!!!

Growing up, at any age, is difficult. But we keep trying, sub-consciously though. That’s why, by the time we have adjusted to the people around, and think to ourselves that we’re now grown up, someone comes and tells you, “Grow UP!” So, we go back to square One. So we never grow up. We play. We hurt. We love. We care. We aspire. We hope. We hate. We laugh. We kiss. We fear. We fall. We forget. We feel. We understand. We give up. We nurture. We relish.  We remember. We regret. We learn. We find.

Everything happens for the first time. But, some things, we wait to see them repeated. Like love. Like kids. Like people. Like smile. So what the hell even if we never grow up!

Nani & Nana, back in their days...

 When we are young, still in school, we love hearing stories. The ones that are mostly told by grandparents, (somehow, parents are never free, until bedtime). Most of us are lucky to grow up around all four of our elderly. Nana-Nani, Dada-Dadi.

I dreamt yesterday, about them they’ve been playing on my mind since. No ghosts!! Thank God for that! Just got reminded of my summer vacations at my nana’s place in Bhagalpur. Small district in the centre of Bihar, very popular for any kind of Silk fabrics, dirt-cheap!

My nana was of a humorous character. He was the son of a Jailor & also happened to be a Zamindar, and hailed from the most reputed family from their area. Everyone was scared of them, the Jailor effect i guess. The house was called Sahay-Villa, and if you get to enter the premises, it meant either you worked there as a servant or you were almost a family. No one else was allowed in.

Nana's parents, way back...

By the time i grew up, my nana’s place was an escape from school as well as the city life of Patna, my birthplace.  The villa was in the middle of huge areas of land, well divided and maintained. One part had wheat growing, the other had rice. Another part would be corn/maize crop. There was a separate section for only vegetables. You name it and the vegetable would be there. On the borders of these, would be coconut trees, khajoor trees, Big Lime tree, Mango & Guava trees, Bamboo trees were there always. 

We would also always find numerous flowers purely because of nana’s love for gardening, and would get up every morning to pluck them for puja. We’d carry huge baskets so there were enough flowers for everyone’s pujas every morning.  Vacations were the time to get together with all cousins and our devotion towards gods were specifically in plucking flowers and then arranging them on the photos & idols of Gods & Goddesses. The house was huge, so we never had to run outside to play. We could play anything from cricket to badminton because the ceilings were too high and wall, wide apart. In fact, there was an area, a corridor, which was called gali, simply because it was so long to walk through. It was somehow, just easier to run freely. 

Nana & Nani, 1956

My typical morning used to be at 4.30/5am (nowhere close to my current lifestyle!{Sigh........}) It always used to be better when Dad wouldn’t accompany us on our holiday. He wouldn’t allow us to run outside the house mostly. And as kids, we all, my siblings & I, somehow loved running in the fields without being afraid of insects, ants or even snakes sometimes. A Sagittarian that i was, you could never find me inside the house, till date. Nevertheless, waking up early in the mornings, quickly brushing and combing hair had become a routine at nana’s house. My hair has always been very curly and being a girl, I’ve always liked to keep it long. But both the reasons, together, contributed towards the fact that it was always messy and very difficult to keep it tidy. So, i would just comb it up from the top and make plaits so the messiness wasn’t visible. Into my slippers and straight to the aangan. Only nana would wake up so early, to feed the cows. He would be chopping the poo-aal, the dried wheat plant, with long leaves with a modern day – fancy term, butcher knife, in those days, was called  simply xxxxxxxxxx.  There was a maali, who’d cut grass and bring it to him, everyday, to cut them fine for the cows. They were not the cattle who’d be ploughing the fields, but were there only for the purpose of supplying milk to the big, huge family every day.  How i wish I’d woken up ten minutes before nana, and i could have held the xxxxxxxxxx in my own hands, and chopped it all myself. There was something very naive about myself when I think of the days. It’s almost an Indian version of a typical American country girl like we read in the novels. Raw, yet beautiful: strong, yet so gentle: silent, yet so happy: young, yet so wise: mystic, yet so fragile. It was an era worth living in. I just wish I could live there for longer.

It was fascinating to watch him chop so fine & so fast, and yet never chop off his hand. I was scared watching his speed, that he’d chop himself, but all of his hits were so alertly calculated that the XXXXXXX fell exactly 0.5cm apart every time he lifted it up. And you could never pick out two pieces that weren’t identical in size. Mine, of course, was never identical, but were at least edible for the cows. Somehow, when you are small, nothing is impossible for you to do it. And better still, you are just so damn confidant about yourself, that you can do it: and fortunately for me, I’ve always had my gut feeling see me through. So here I am, with all my fingers still intact, just missing the days.   

After chopping, I’d collect the fodder and put them in a huge tokari, and loved carrying it on the head like the macchi-wali. Sprinting with it, up the slope-y, rocky path, always muddy in the rains, was a joy that’ll never be forgotten but only missed.  Emptying the tokari into the huge vessel, and running away in the fear that cows will run you over, was just a mysterious piece of life. Now, something to remember and laugh over.   

The almost Country-Girl, in her days...

A new definition...

My Love has a new definition now. A new depth.

If I know i'll fall, you know the depth to which i'll fall.
If I cry, you know exactly how many tears I shed.
If I make promises, you keep them for me.
If I win something, you take more pride in me than I ever could.

Sometimes experiences are not over until you tell someone.
My love is for life. And my love is for keeps!!!

Hey guys!! check this out!!

I write like
Dan Brown

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

It's only words…..

We all have problems. We never understand relationships. We don’t understand that we need to “Compromise” every second. Our bodies compromise every second!

Most compromises are not considered compromise because they’re not life changing! And if its not life-changing, then its not a compromise. Its just a “By Choice” then!

We don’t understand when we need to compromise! A problem with our generation: our “Attitude”! It takes us down every damn time!

Our parents & relatives never taught us that but they always wanted us to grow “compromisingly” at every step!

From the day we were born, we can’t choose our parents! Since most of us are happy & proud about our parents, we never call it compromise. And its then assumed that we didn’t even have a choice there. We resemble them & there’s something we would always share with them. Eureka!!! That’s “Destiny” (a new word...)

But what about the OT we were born in? Fortunately that is also Destiny! So less confusion with words here....since we know only One so far.......Destiny!

We grow up and we go to school. Siblings do not go to the same school. Compromise or Choice? Definitely not Destiny here!

Now there is a trick here! All families have two dictionaries, namely: “Good books” & “Bad books”!

All good book entries are the compromising lot! Appreciated & encouraged! The “You made me Proud” lot!

“Bad Books” are the ones who normally refuse to compromise! So if they want “that pencil”, it has to be that pencil! Guess what this is called? Ill-mannered! Bad behaviour!

Families firmly believe its going to teach us something: the most important lessons of our lives! So, to suit them very conveniently, if we don’t compromise, we automatically enter the wrong dictionary for them: the unwanted-the annoying- the most disrespectful lot!

Our childhood goes in battling both these: Good Books & Bad Books!

As if our lives weren’t already “Complicated”, here enters a new word: “EXPECTATION”: Exceptionally brilliantly crafted! The most dangerous word of the whole lot! So far!

Another repetitive word that we continue using till we part our ways from this materialistic world!

Starts the relationship-phase! Relationship building exercises with family, friends & gf/bf: tough one!

Next topic!!!!!

It all starts like a brand new jigsaw puzzle. Each part is unique and single. We try to put one centre-piece and the build around it. While trying to put these pieces together, we realise there is no overlap: no commonalities!

Our lives are such puzzles. We are puzzles. Opposites attract because: We like in others what we don’t have in us. And then, how we can have the best of both is what we start working on.

The puzzles are being put together. We try hard to make it happen. To make it appear “Perfect”! But somewhere down the line, we do make mistakes. While we are almost closing on it, we realise a piece has gone wrong! We try to figure out why the picture doesn’t look perfect. Then we start looking for the misplaced piece. The one piece that doesn’t look right. In our attempt to find out the wrong thing, we figure there are many wrong ones because of that single puzzle!

Then the whole piece starts looking ugly, suddenly! You realise you’ve made a mistake! Where you made that mistake is still mystery! The moment where the concentration went off! It just ruined everything!

So now, you have two options again! Un-scramble it all or start mending loose ends again.

We find ourselves in places we never thought we would be! Our concentration tells a lot about the kind of persons we will turn out to be! so it does pay to be attentive while your game!

These games are also passed on to siblings..... so the edges of these puzzle blocks get torn, like parts of our lives.

We don’t know where we want to start off: Glue the torn parts first or just join the puzzles back together as they are. We’re “Confused”! The master-word, I call it! Its identical twin is called “I Don’t Know”!

You know the wonders these words can do, PROVIDED used at the needed time and place! These words have an impeccable record of coming out of our systems at all the possible wrong times.

Imagine if these word were people what a deliriously frantic world it would be!

Zapped...

I normally am a happy-go-lucky character. So, nothing can turn my mood so bad that I stay miserable for days... Yet, there are times, when all I do is snap...snap...& snap......

Sometimes its miserable, sometimes its depressing......most of the times, its Anger! On whom? Or why? For what? Nothing seems to find the answer. Tears are the only things that come naturally......

So the task.......Do you want to continue your stay there, in that world of your's where all is tears....or Do you plan to get out?

Some want to just stay in there and continue being the way it, and of course continue with the tears....while Most of the lot will find the other way.....to get out....to be all positive minded and to get back in action....determined not to let themselves give in.............. Highly Motivated, I should say....... they came back..... Ultra-Positive..........

Bull-Shit!!!

Unfortunately, I belong to the former! Someone who continues in the same way for as long as it pleases me.

So nothing really goes your way.......that world where nothing fits into the picture......nothing goes as per planned...... Nobody fits in either who can talk you through........ But, mind you, there are zillions of those who can give you ADVICE, rather than shutting up and LISTENING! Its those times when you wonder, "Didn't they teach you how to listen to others in school?" or "You should attend the 'art of listening' classes. "

I definitely don't belong to the latter. That I am very sure of!

What lures me more is the former.......crying & Snapping!

Nothing is IDEAL in my world! Its all Realistic! And more so, PRACTICAL! Thats how I am. And I know many others are the same except they pretend to be the latter. But its not like I want to stay there....Deep down even I try to come out of things....but there are things you just get STUCK-UP to. There are things we debate if they really went wrong or others manipulated it so much so that it had to go wrong, against our wishes. I don't know. I somehow am more practical, because I still wonder if I went wrong. I was perhaps never wrong .....My only problem is that I end up blaming myself! Thats exactly the difference between the former and the latter ones here.........

Since the 'Positive' ones end up blaming others, its easier for them to come out of situations etc. They appear to be all positive etc etc..... but they're actually, in a worse state than us. they filled with more wrath, more anger, more vengeance! They are like a skin disease! The Ointment that the skin specialists give you only hides the top layers rather than healing from the core of the problem....which lies hidden underneath!!

And then there are these layers, that form, on top of the other, hiding everything that lies beneath. Continuous hiding becomes a habit. So layers accumulate. And as they say, very wisely, if you keep repeating the lies, sooner or later, they start to seem the Truth!! So combining all these facts, fiction & philosophy together, I come to the conclusion, that I am still better off...................

...............except that I am still as cynical.....still as stubborn.......still as difficult as I used to be.

Nothings changed......except the same old me..............Through thick and thin.......

I always find myself with just me at the end of days like these..........

Wonder Why......!!! Wish I didn't feel that way........ as someone very dearly tells me in a soothing voice....... "you shouldn't feel that way, na!"

It just doesn't work that way!!! Its very different for me...... the way I work!!!

Changing Times: a Leap

What was I?  The old Past

Who am I?  This Present

What can I be?  My Future

In simple terms, I am:

Madness. Rarity. Passion. Adapting.

Imaginary. Selective. Alert. Dreamy.

Originative. Sacrifice. Fascination.

Vanity. Arrogance. Inappropriate.

Reflection. Reaction. Torturous.

Rejuvenating. Unacceptable. Moving.

Smart. Intelligent. Essential. Change.

Expressive. Devoted. Zealous.

Elusive. Seeking. Purpose. Honest.

 Alluring. Hurtful. Inconsistent. Difficult.

Unidentified. Fearless. Distinguished.

Afraid. Emptiness. Deviation.

Aloof. Directionless. Anger.

Indulging. Imbalanced. Idle. Assumption.

Overwhelmed. Arty. Unaccustomed.

Winning. Bargaining. Losing.

Celebration.

Am I complex?

I am a simple package deal.

Q. Gross?

Ans. A stereotypical being with extra perks.

Q. In-Hand?

Ans. Someone who’s difficult to handle with ease.

Q. What should you expect?  

Ans. Safer to keep all expectations buried.

I am two Simple words but Complex interpretations.

Important is who I am.

Unconditional is what I should be.

My life is more than ordinary.

I am Abnormality at its creative best.

I am my mind. I am my heart.

I am a design. I am a process.

I am positive. I am negative.

I am not Relative.

I make my own space.

I am the new change.

I am S.I.M.P.L.E.

But perceptions are C.O.M.P.L.E.X.

Sometimes it just hurts....real strong!

You read something, It hurts.
You write something, It hurts.
You see something, It hurts.
You imagine something, It hurts.
You remember something, It still hurts.
You eat something,
It hurts so much so that you can’t eat.
Finally you end up not eating because it hurts so much.
I just can’t swallow sometimes.
Sometimes, I forget to breathe.
Sometimes, I don’t want to breathe.
Sometimes, i wish i couldn’t breathe.
Sometimes, i just want not to be able to.
I don’t know if I am angry or hurt?
I am so angry sometimes, it hurts.

It hurts more when no one knows.
It hurts most when you don’t want them to know.
And even more so, when They Know!

It hurts when small things are overlooked.
It hurts when some things are unsaid.
It hurts when you see others.
It hurts when you don’t see yourselves.

It hurts, when you are waiting
It hurts, when you don’t say it.
It hurts when you don’t see it.
It hurts because you don’t want to believe it.

It hurts when you are close.
It hurts when you are far.
It hurts when you know the distance.
It hurts more when you know the difference.

It hurts when you know.
It hurts when you don’t.

Sometimes you just want certain things.
Sometimes you just expect it.
It hurts because you know you can’t have it.
It hurts to know you are demanding.
It hurts when you can’t ask for it.
It hurts when can’t help yourself.
It hurts when you know what’s wrong.
It hurts even more when you know it’s you.

I sometimes feel like there’s a blister inside me....
Filled with something that needs to come out!
Ready to break!
Ready to burst!
Ready to erupt!
Ready to explode!
Ready to flow out!
Ready to drain out!

Broken apart
Torn apart
Fallen apart
Into pieces
Sometimes it feels like
A complete failure
Broken pieces
Ruined completely
Destroyed
Worth nothing
Left worn out
It breaks you down.
When you know there’s no one.

Somewhere, they say, there’ still hope.
So here I am
Still holding
Still wanting
Still wishing
Still dreaming
The same things I used to do!

But sometimes it’s difficult...to know
Who hurts more!
Who’s hurt more!

The difference
Is just a letter!
That’s why,
Sometimes,
It just hurts....real strong!